Don't let them say you ain't beautiful

Keeping everyday worries etc in correct proportions

As the so-called sub-heading says, I'm going to write a little something about this a thing I've had trouble understanding. It still is a good "measuring-stick" to how well one is doing. If the small things like paying bills and having food in the fridge are the biggest of your troubles, then you're still doing quite well - but when those things don't really matter, they become secondary and don't really have any priority at all, and the smallest problems are how to make it until noon without getting stabbed for something you've done (take your pick, that was just an example, though a scary and surprisingly normal problem for people these days, at least). Speaking from experience here :)

I remember, with cold sweat rushing up and along my body with the adrenaline, when I once shouted to my visiting sister about something she wasn't happy about; something like "be happy you don't have to hope to be alive and not puke your guts out each day, and shut the f* up, please!". Let's make this a little more real (read: worse), this was when I was -once again- living at my mom's and dad's, which means I'd have no right to even say anything but decent stuff if sober. MAYBE. I had no respect, because I didn't remember what it was. Thank you, dear beloved family, for somehow getting through all this shit. I know it's not all over (as my devoted readers will understand if the reading of this blog keeps up like it now has ;)) But then again - don't we all have areas in our lives that could use a small or even a little bigger tune-up, hm? I know I do, along with the bigger ones that are mostly consequences from me raping my body and psyche. Guess I should have just been less curious, and believed those old silly-looking people who came to school telling us people on acid (LSD), think they become or are oranges, and start peeling their skin off with a knife - unless they've already got the magical urban legend -thought of actually being Superman, in which case the person in this case would have already thought flying was an ability he or she had - and jumped off a roof or something.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for a little off-topic crap there. Anyhow, now; in a nutshell - my biggest problems these days are as follows (priority might change but not daily or monthly even, some stability here after all, heheh..)

1. Anxiety disorder, note: of a "paralyzing sort", literally
2. Economics; Taking care of getting rents paid in time, and how to cope being with accounts empty way too fast. Shortly, keeping more than the light in my refrigerator day to day.
3. Social relationships (I will write a post about this later to clarify what exactly I mean by this)

I mentioned about that one time I opened up to my older sister, about how she knows nothing about bad problems etc. What that was for, was to give some insight to both me and you readers, about how different world there are on this earth. This is just one of literally a million things making us different and individuals as human beings. Krrrr... still get such a horrible feeling facing these smart outburst of me. If you, or actually, all my sisters, happen to read this post - please believe me, that I now have quite a good idea about what I've done to you, by just not being myself in lots of ways, and also by saying things like the example I just gave you. I truly and sincerely am sorry, and I hope you some day may forgive me. Another thing is, when or if I'll ever get so far as to forgive myself. By the by - NO PITY needed nor accepted. This goes without saying for me, but perhaps not for all of you.

Big day in a couple of days. Going to see the light of my life, my little sunshine, Evelina, my daughter (3 years old). Let's see how my hometown looks like, but only briefly - it's filled to the brim with old memories which makes me feel like crap, even though it's good and almost always necessary to face all those things at one point or another. But steady on, one thing at a time. My daughter, and processing memories from the days of hell as I could call them, do not fit together. Seeing a friend too. I might post something while there, or by the time I'm back in the beginning of next week at the latest.

Remember, respect yourself, give yourself some credit for whatever you've done or been smart enough to have avoided. Don't let anybody tell you there's anything wrong with you - even though there might be, hihih... :-p

Now, more coffee, a little online gaming and away I go. Have a nice weekend, thank you for reading.

Yours sincerely, or at least almost,

Tomas Luoto