Spring. Nature and people, we all come back to life

Everything is reborn again. Trees, bushes - even people.

First I would like to say, that spring is a very good and somehow also a forgiving time for all of us. The grass which was cold, perhaps covered with snow on the frozen ground is suddenly green, soft, and practically screaming for you and others to sit down and have a picnic. I love this time of year.

For me personally, it represents some kind of resurrection that I have a hard time explaining not only to you but also to myself. Spring also gives me a feeling, that "everything is going to work out". Perhaps you've noticed some sort of feelings like this, or experienced the same thing as I have. I sure hope so - it's pure divinity.

Now I've written a great deal about loneliness, and how to live with lots of problems and how to overcome obstacles in life and so on. I now want to share with you, dear readers, some of the best I know too, also because I really do not want you to get the wrong impression of me as a depressed soon-to-commit-suicide kind-of guy :D I assure you dear readers, that, I am not. I might be a lot of things, but those qualities have never been in my possession. And not even by choice, but just by being who I am no matter what I've been and will go through and up against. Springtime gives us the hope we really need, and therefore the tools to have ourselves a great summer with our real friends. Perhaps sitting outside as much as possible, maybe having a beer or six, and enjoying having the privilege to be alive at all on this beautiful earth of ours. With the sun shining, summer already well on its way, we can enjoy this we've been given or should I say blessed with. We might only have late afternoons and evenings to enjoy spring outside with friends due to school or work, but it's a good start for the summer that will soon come, and give us a little bit of spare time in form of vacations and other holidays, depending on what we do and where we live in this world of ours.

As I mentioned in the beginning, I think spring is a forgiving time. A time filled with second chances for us all. Even though we sometimes have to stay inside for days due to rain, we can still smell the rebirth - as I call it - outside, even in the cities, especially near parks - especially if or when we are forced to go somewhere. I even enjoy, as most people do, a nice weather while sitting inside talking to friends or doing work or playing. Maybe "facebooking" a little, writing updates that make our lives look like we've got no troubles. Ever. This is common through the year for many social-media addicted people, even in the winter and actually no matter when, hehe.. :)

  I've often wondered how close humans (homo sapiens) are to the earth and its riches, like the grass, as we normally call it. It softens up with the earth and soil, starts to grow again like it's on steroids when spring and summer comes, just as most of us humans are in better moods in the morning which really doesn't happen very often during the winter or the dark months, just to have something to compare with. This I have witnessed in public transports like trams and trains these last few days. And looking in the mirror - I don't see what I want, as usual - but I can live with it much better now. Did springtime, the change in seasons, give me some more power or how should I explain what I mean? Am I stronger, is my self-esteem better now that it's blooming around me? I couldn't possible tell you the answer to that, but my advice is to just enjoy it and not sitting at home or wherever, wondering about what's happening and what's not. Those things are not in our hands. Spring is a time of hope. We all get second, or maybe our fiftieth chance in our own ways. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Take advantage of all this!

Now that spring is turning into summer, please try to remember what made you happy and what you have enjoyed during the spring, and perhaps do the same with the coming, already somewhat started summer? It won't hurt you, and putting up a few words on a paper each day most certainly won't kill you or anybody else for that matter.

  I, myself, am waiting for tomorrow morning, when I can wake up and smell not only the coffee, but also the nature's own odours - and be happy to still be here, alive (like the nature outside), and in good health. We who can do this, most definitely are the happy ones - "the winners". So plan your summer well, vacations, holidays and all, because there's not much time to lose if you want something out of this coming summer. Take everything you can, mother earth looks generous this year.

I wish a good end of spring, and an extraordinary summer to all of you!

Yours, filled with positive thoughts and ideas,

Tomas Luoto

Alone, even when in company?

Friends for our every need?

Someone once told me, "I'm always alone, even when I'm with my friends, no matter in what company". 

  This was at the time a suprise to me, because this particular friend of mine had dozens of more good and close, even childhood friends like many of us lucky ones do. Since then, there always comes a time every once in a while when I seriously think about those words and what meaning they really have for someone who utters them. I confess - I've said them myself too. "I'm lonely, alone, no matter who I surround myself with." I guess in the end we all are, but there's a difference in how this affects each of us. We're all individuals after all, although human too at the same time. Have you ever felt this way? That you're lonely and somehow alone in your life, no matter how much friends or how good friends you have? I'm pretty sure you have. Then again, I don't think the thought of that despicable loneliness has ever gone further than that for the most of you, when at the same time, some of us even make the choice of wanting that certain loneliness, for example instead of surrounding ourselves with "bad company" - especially if there is no choice.

I don't think any one of us has a right to judge our fellow brothers and sisters, of the choices they make and of how they feel. Fortunately I'm not alone with this opinion. But I must say I have sometimes heard of "the lonely weirdo that lives next door to me", who "must have a bad life" and who will "probably die sad and alone". Who hasn't heard these stories? I might even in my earlier years have said something of the sort myself. I now hope I didn't offend anybody, and I regret having that ignorant opinion made public. For that I am sorry.

Loneliness has its place in the world, for a reason.

Why would anybody choose being alone? How does one become "the weird lonely neighbour" or just perhaps the guy who lives alone, studying, planning a future, who probably still has a family in his hometown and maybe - who knows - a girlfriend too? Well, there's of course different personalities in each and every one of us, but usually, I think it depends on the "surroundings" or should i say circumstances". People often move to where the universities and other schools are, to get their degrees and therefore have to surrender the company of their families and girlfriends etc. That's what we could call the environment around us. Different situations, different environments. Mix in different personalities and there you have it. Never forgetting the ones getting stepped on and pushed aside and away because of problems with social situations, anxiety and depression. Maybe alcoholism and substance-abuse problems. All this equals the environment and circumstances. If you ever read the Bible, you can find a quite central figure there, who was rather alone than with bad untrustworthy friends. An interesting fact...

Me? - Well, I choose to rather be a lot on my own, communicating mostly through the internet and other networks - with my quite big family, but only a few good friends. It's the choice I've had to make, just to make it, at all. The other option would have been a slow suicide and lots of suffering for all who ever cared for me at all. 

  Now I have a couple of good and reliable friends, very few, around me. A few more in different countries as I have always had, and I haven't been happier in over a decade. So there you go - here I am. The young, soon only 30-year old dude, who almost never has any visitors, who will probably die sad and alone. Or what do you think..? ;)

Yours, happily alone and still going strong,

Tomas Luoto

Challenge yourself

Keep it interesting

So, my dear friends and readers. It feels like time for another post,

continuing where we left off - but going into a little different topic this time. How to make or keep our everyday-life interesting enough for us to have or get enough inspiration to keep going on. One way, is saying yes and being positive and open to challenges life throws your way every now and then. Perhaps small ones every morning, day or night - and sometimes we all get the bigger ones that we feel might "finally take us down". This is what I know something about.

Challenges make a persons perception to life and everything around him larger and wider, and helps our own personal mental growth. This is one of the most important aspects of helping ourselves -- yes, making it all worthwhile.

All of this, is also visible to the outside world. When people see you get over your obstacles in life, see you take care of large phonebills or such, and feel better for it, they see the so-called glow that sticks to you from that thing we call success. It's a feeling, which can be seen with eyes. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Some people disapprove to people being open with their success. Maybe they say something like  "hey, that dude gets so and so much money because he got a great job cheating his way in somehow". They are jealous, or just angry because they haven't felt success in a long time, which has made their attitude to the world around them neutral at best, but often only negative and "kranky".

  In my opinion, we should commend those who create their own success, or luck - as some people say it. It's punching those challenges right in the face when they appear as they most certainly will to each and every one of us. Let's be happy for those who are happy. This might even be a small challenge for some of us. Once upon a time, it was for me. I didn't like things I couldn't do or get myself. These days, my attitude, that "everything that isn't bad, is more than just neutral or good", helps me beat those challenges I get quite often.

What are we to do when we try and try, but cannot overcome the obstacles we face? The challenge is too hard, or we just don't have the tools to beat it. This is probably the thing most people get anxious and depressed about. Or just simply because of this "phenomenon".

Thumbs up!

  Ask for help. Even if you don't have anybody - ask your mother if nothing else is available. Swallow that silly pride and ask for help - you will get it. From where? - That I cannot tell you, nor can I tell myself the answer to that question either. Sadly, this is how it is. But when we aren't alone, we have more tools, and thus more opportunities to find what we need to get over the problems that bring us down. For there is always at least one, who loves us for who we are.

Seek, and thy shall find.

Yours sincerely,

Tomas

Don't let them say you ain't beautiful

Keeping everyday worries etc in correct proportions

As the so-called sub-heading says, I'm going to write a little something about this a thing I've had trouble understanding. It still is a good "measuring-stick" to how well one is doing. If the small things like paying bills and having food in the fridge are the biggest of your troubles, then you're still doing quite well - but when those things don't really matter, they become secondary and don't really have any priority at all, and the smallest problems are how to make it until noon without getting stabbed for something you've done (take your pick, that was just an example, though a scary and surprisingly normal problem for people these days, at least). Speaking from experience here :)

I remember, with cold sweat rushing up and along my body with the adrenaline, when I once shouted to my visiting sister about something she wasn't happy about; something like "be happy you don't have to hope to be alive and not puke your guts out each day, and shut the f* up, please!". Let's make this a little more real (read: worse), this was when I was -once again- living at my mom's and dad's, which means I'd have no right to even say anything but decent stuff if sober. MAYBE. I had no respect, because I didn't remember what it was. Thank you, dear beloved family, for somehow getting through all this shit. I know it's not all over (as my devoted readers will understand if the reading of this blog keeps up like it now has ;)) But then again - don't we all have areas in our lives that could use a small or even a little bigger tune-up, hm? I know I do, along with the bigger ones that are mostly consequences from me raping my body and psyche. Guess I should have just been less curious, and believed those old silly-looking people who came to school telling us people on acid (LSD), think they become or are oranges, and start peeling their skin off with a knife - unless they've already got the magical urban legend -thought of actually being Superman, in which case the person in this case would have already thought flying was an ability he or she had - and jumped off a roof or something.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for a little off-topic crap there. Anyhow, now; in a nutshell - my biggest problems these days are as follows (priority might change but not daily or monthly even, some stability here after all, heheh..)

1. Anxiety disorder, note: of a "paralyzing sort", literally
2. Economics; Taking care of getting rents paid in time, and how to cope being with accounts empty way too fast. Shortly, keeping more than the light in my refrigerator day to day.
3. Social relationships (I will write a post about this later to clarify what exactly I mean by this)

I mentioned about that one time I opened up to my older sister, about how she knows nothing about bad problems etc. What that was for, was to give some insight to both me and you readers, about how different world there are on this earth. This is just one of literally a million things making us different and individuals as human beings. Krrrr... still get such a horrible feeling facing these smart outburst of me. If you, or actually, all my sisters, happen to read this post - please believe me, that I now have quite a good idea about what I've done to you, by just not being myself in lots of ways, and also by saying things like the example I just gave you. I truly and sincerely am sorry, and I hope you some day may forgive me. Another thing is, when or if I'll ever get so far as to forgive myself. By the by - NO PITY needed nor accepted. This goes without saying for me, but perhaps not for all of you.

Big day in a couple of days. Going to see the light of my life, my little sunshine, Evelina, my daughter (3 years old). Let's see how my hometown looks like, but only briefly - it's filled to the brim with old memories which makes me feel like crap, even though it's good and almost always necessary to face all those things at one point or another. But steady on, one thing at a time. My daughter, and processing memories from the days of hell as I could call them, do not fit together. Seeing a friend too. I might post something while there, or by the time I'm back in the beginning of next week at the latest.

Remember, respect yourself, give yourself some credit for whatever you've done or been smart enough to have avoided. Don't let anybody tell you there's anything wrong with you - even though there might be, hihih... :-p

Now, more coffee, a little online gaming and away I go. Have a nice weekend, thank you for reading.

Yours sincerely, or at least almost,

Tomas Luoto

Hoping is great - but get it done!

Dear diary.. fuck no! 

So..

Another day in the struggle for, and getting used to normality and self-acceptance. Every morning without the feeling "this won't ever get anywhere, you've failed", is a small but very important victory. Those kind of bad mornings have got a smaller and smaller role in my every-day life, thankfully. It's rare for people actually to feel so bad that they literally don't get up from bed, not to mention putting on some decent clothes or getting washed. 

  Is this depression, just anxiety or silly behaviour? I might answer with all three answers, and also with none. If you make it about being depressed, there will of course never ever be anything than that making you feel bad when waking up. I used to, and still sometimes put it all on anxiety when I don't feel like a winner, and last nights food starts creeping up from the stomach, muscles cramping. These symptoms, that are mainly physical, should definitely be taken into serious consideration if and when dealing with this problem. And not only morning-anxiousness/-depression/-takeyourpick. 

Still, there are ways to live with all this. If it weren't so, there would be nobody complaining - only enormous cemeteries :D

  I feel quite fortunate because I can live with all these examples, that I've given you (as examples etc.), no matter how often I feel like "eating the gun" instead of taking a shower or going out for a walk. It's just about getting something started. That's the only challenging part for people like me. The rest goes like clockwork, at least generally speaking. For instance taking care of yourself, your apartment, washing your clothes, or what ever that belongs in a human life, and definitely should belong, too. This is the reason, why I could never feel whole, content, or anything close to it, when I didn't do anything or take any responsibility for my own actions. Now it's a whole different ballgame. I don't deny getting huge amounts of help, but perhaps I still need it. That might have been a question, maybe a rhetoric one, but anyhow. I consider myself lucky to have someone to help me, and I mean more in spiritual matters than economic, even though the economic problems of the "youth" today are never to be underestimated ha ha :)

You want to know more? Mailing worked, last I checked, and I think a Google+/Gmail account is needed to be able to comment on these posts (this blog) - but what I was really going to say, was that if you have anything to ask about how "not think suicide" every morning or evening or the like - I might be able to help you, as I have been helped.

Now. The simple recipe for me to get through this days both best and worst hours, the morning (o6:45am when I started writing).

Coffee's ready - as the glass
and international sign of success indicates :)

Step 1.) Prepare and enjoy hot drinks such as coffee, or perhaps even better; tea. Coffee tends to be drunk too much, which might make a person more nauseous on the psychological side of things. Warm drinks have had interesting results in studies - they give a "homey" feeling. And it does not mean your pants start hanging, and you suddenly go for a drive-by - but you might just feel a little more comfortable and "at home, where you belong" ;)

Step 2.) Find something to give you a pause, and a chance to wake up. Today, for me, it's writing this, making and sipping the underestimated Finnish coffee blends, while reading the news online and playing my dear browser game. A couple of cigarettes, ét voilà!

Have a great day, or a bad - as long as you remember there can't be ups without downs. Interesting, but that's how it works. Or if not, your medication is most definitely very screwed up, hehe..

Still half asleep

  Thank you for reading - it has been a pleasure to hear about how many of you actually did it (referring to the first post). Feel free to give me pointers on what to write too, i.e. what you would like to read. By the way, every single piece of feedback is good as well as critique, of course.

Yours sincerely, your resident cuckoo-clock inhabitant,

       Tomas Luoto

P.S Thank you all for your encouragement and support regarding my so-called writing.

From analogue to digital

Into the future by updating our old selves

I would like to dedicate this first post to my friend Kai Jobes. 

We all need one of you in our lives :]

Lately this has been on my mind, probably because of all daily routines I've become addicted and accustomed too. Well, maybe just accustomed - like getting new habits, addicted is by definition a too 'harsh' and serious term.

 Why should all this, me getting and liking my routines, my morning coffee, shaving and doing laundry or shopping in some kind of different way or at a specified time, be anything out of the ordinary. I will tell you a short version of my own insight concerning the matter.

Almost my whole life as an "adult", from the age of 18 forward, maybe even earlier, I thought I was invincible, free from the rules of society and even health problems, just to give you people an example. I thought, "that can't ever happen to me, you see, I've got what it takes, and my parents were so great, that they brought me up and taught me how to live so well, that nothing bad can ever happen". I couldn't have been more wrong - except for the fact(s) about my childhood and how perfect it was, even though we all have our own things we've considered problems. Some bigger, some smaller, and so did I. As I do now too.

This is the part where my mother gets credit, for standing to see me grow up, and then - never make anything of myself, until the 29th, yes, almost 30th year of living.

I chose something that wasn't life - it was hell. Still is, and we all see these people daily, that didn't know what they were getting in to. In the world I'm telling you about and describing, there's no such easy solution as death by accident. Some higher power wants this small, but bigger than you'd think, to stay alive and suffer, and what's worse, make more people suffer by their actions and sometimes plain behaviour.

 I consider myself not only lucky, but a rare specimen (yes, laugh all you want, I sure do at the moment, heheh... :p ) - but only because I found the only way out of the world of self-deception. For you with less little grey cells upstairs, that world can be driven by for example, alcoholism, or substance addiction/abuse, or other mental illnesses. Usually all-in-one, a family pack but given only to the one for some evil reason(s).

I'm happy to notice, that for a year now, I've mourned my sons death, (Lucas Michael Anthony, passed away in his sleep June 30th 2012, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, age 4 months 5 days) and finally got to enjoy more of a real life, and finally getting independent, FOR REAL. And I most definitely do NOT mean the so-called independence a driving licence and the permission to buy beer gives you at the age of 18 or 21, depending on where you live. I mean the part, where you actually can see what's available, and you get the courage to do what you want, even though it usually scares us all shitless so to speak, ahem :)

 This process, is still going on for me. Got out of a bad relationship some 14 months ago, from a wonderful woman, my daughters mother. Too bad, she doesn't like having friends, or otherwise we would do good together these days and not in the form of any romanticism or relationship like before. It is no coincidence that I wanted her to be the mother of my children. And I wouldn't change a thing, except my own behaviour of course during the relationship.

So, stopping short here, after my first post of my first PROPER blog - I can summarize what's going on that's actually worth telling others about. I've learned, and I am still learning, like we all are in a way or another, to live and make healthy choices. Because I've exhausted all bad choices, it's actually really simple now when I've made my bed ready for a real, proper life so to speak. And perhaps something else too - literally ;)

Now, I'm going to take it easy, still re-placing my furniture and computers, screens etc, to make taking easy even more easy. Thank you mother for making this possible.
 Feel free to rape me with comments, straight from your hearts if you own one,
thank you!

Yours sincerely, semi-independent, mad as they come - yet - obviously calmer than women,

Tomas Luoto